Requiem for a Wedding Dress

If you've been following this blog for a while, you probably know that this is the time of year when I do a retrospective post about all the shows I've seen and all the art I've made over the past 360-something days. But I'm not doing that this year. It's been too disappointing. And I don't just mean disappointing because I didn't sell nearly as many books as I had hoped, or because my solo shows weren't as well attended as I wanted them to be, or because I keep losing e-mail list subscribers, or even because nobody came to save two of my paintings from being chopped up by a big dude with an axe. All of those things taken together are quite disappointing.

But the greatest disappointment of all, perhaps the single greatest disappointment in my life so far, happened two weeks ago with the end of my very, very long engagement.

All I could see was negative space around everything, a space where our relationship used to be but is no longer. Over the past two weeks I have cycled through periods of devastation, anger, and hopefulness about the possibility of falling in love with someone new.

The first thing that made my anger and devastation subside was making the decision to destroy my first wedding dress.

A sketch of my wedding dress, circa 2002

That's right, I had more than one. That's what happens when you're engaged for 13 years. I bought my first dress with my employee discount when I worked at Nordstrom in 2002. It was on the clearance rack in the juniors department. It went out of style a few years later and I decided to get another dress. Meanwhile, it had become a big sparkly albatross in my closet.

So I contacted my friend the Axe Man, Allen Vandever, about destroying my wedding dress at the December Rescue or Destroy event at Fulton Market Kitchen. Allen said he thought it would be a very powerful piece. He said he could put the dress on a mannequin. I liked the idea. As the week went on, I kept listening to music. It was the only thing that helped me. I had thought about having No Doubt's "Simple Kind of Life" playing while Allen Destroyed the dress. And then I rediscovered a song I had wanted to cover anyway, "Peter Gunn" by Sarah Vaughan. So I rehearsed it and sent  Allen a video of myself singing it. Allen came up with a brilliant idea: I would wear the dress and he would cut it off me while I sang. I loved the idea, but was worried there could be a wardrobe malfunction.

Then I thought about my third wedding dress. (See what happens when you have too much time to plan these things?) It's really a slinky white evening gown, and I bought it because I had planned to perform a special song during the reception. I realized that I could wear it underneath the big poofy dress. I decided that I would call my performance "Requiem for a Wedding Dress."  It was probably the craziest thing I have ever done. It was also the single most cathartic experience I have ever had.

You can see the performance here:

*Big thanks to my friend Kevin Mitchell Nelson for filling in at the last minute when the house band got sick and wasn't able to perform. Also, I would like to thank my friends who came to see the performance. I appreciate your support.

Frozen Bride
digital photograph
2011
12" x 18"

The time has come for the Frozen Bride to thaw.

You are beautiful, too

I wanted this last poster to look like a quilt, so I used 16 different patterned backgrounds. All are from items I had at home, skirts, scarves, scrapbooking paper, fabric samples, and even a binder I once used while in design school. In contrast to the stark white uniform background of the Fashion Victims poster, these colorful backgrounds symbolize the uniqueness and individuality of each of the dolls I used, and using so many of my treasured possessions as backdrops makes it very personal.

This poster is dedicated to all the girls and women in the world. I hope that everyone will see that I am not trying to condemn exercise or healthy eating, but to encourage them to seek a positive alternative to the pernicious notion of the female body as a never-ending improvement project and to replace self-doubt and self-sabotage with self-acceptance and self-respect.

When I was working on this poster, this song inevitably came to mind since I'm a 90's girl. Pardon their language, but it's just so fitting.

Before The Doll Project, there was "Superstar"

Exquisite Corpse: Death of A Supermodel - from the Doll Project book

I had heard about Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story when I was taking film classes as an undergraduate, though I had never seen it. It was an underground thing, a legend, very hard to find. Until YouTube, of course. As an artist, it's hard to decide sometimes whether it's best to view work that is similar to mine, or if it would somehow distract me or even derail my process altogether. But the comparisons between what I am doing with Barbie dolls in The Doll Project and what Todd Haynes did with Barbie dolls in Superstar are inevitable.

I finally watched this film for the first time a few months ago and was very moved by it. I had my doubts about a film dramatized with Barbies. But I shouldn't have doubted at all. It was a moving a powerful story that stayed with me for weeks after my first viewing. If you want to see it too, watch the video below. It's only 43 minutes, but if you like experimental films, it's 43 minutes well spent.

This video could break your heart

"How come you only brought water for lunch, Ana?"

Check out this powerful video made by a group of girls, their own public service announcement for their peers.

"Shrinking Women" by Lily Myers - a poem for NEDA awareness week

"Inheritance is accidental." --"Shrinking Women" by Lily Myers

I came across this poem several months ago, but wanted to save it for this week. It makes me something I wrote for the forthcoming Doll Project book, "Why is no one asking why, as women become more visible in the world, we must also take up less space?"

Myths and Unicorns

"Do any of you know someone who likes to take food from the cafeteria and hide it?" Asked the woman giving the presentation in the school auditorium.

My friends all looked at me and laughed. The woman at the microphone noticed, tried to get them to point me out, but they wouldn't give me up. And I had the wonderful thrill you can only get as a teenager who has gotten away with something.

Knowing me, I probably had my favorite plain bagels in a Ziploc bag in my backpack. If you're counting calories as religiously as I was, every single one of them had better be delicious. The food I liked was hard to come by, so when the cafeteria had it, I had to save it. My parents gave me money for food, but I would rather spend it on clothes that showed off how skinny I was. I was thrilled to find a pair of button-fly flares on the clearance rack at Express that had been marked a size 1/2. They may have actually been mislabeled, but to me, to be able to fit into that special pair of jeans was a requirement for my own self-worth and happiness. Being able to wear them meant that I was in control of something. My grades weren't as high as everyone thought they should be, but my jeans size was as low as I wanted it to be. And when I got a printout from my P.E. class that said my BMI was 17 and I was underweight, I was ecstatic.

Yes, that's right. I had an eating disorder for 9 years. But I am only just now talking about it on this blog, although I have told people who have asked about it in person when they've seen The Doll Project. Though I never reached the point of needing to be hospitalized, though I could "fly under the radar," though I found ways to hide it, I starved myself and submitted myself to punishing exercise regimes from the time I was 14 until I was 23. But I was embarrassed to talk about it because Black girls don't get eating disorders, right?

That's what some people say when they see the Black dolls in the pictures from The Doll Project. But that's why I chose to include them. Bulimia, not anorexia, is actually more common in Black girls as far as eating disorders go, statistically, but there are Black girls who restrict their food intake, too. I've been there, and along the way I even met other African-American girls who were doing the same thing, too.

This is my first post for National Eating Disorders Awareness Week 2014. All week long, I will be posting new images from The Doll Project and some videos I've been saving. Think of it as food for thought, as they are scheduled to be published around lunchtime, at 12 noon central time. I wanted to start out with this food for thought because it's something I have never shared before, and I wanted to. I'm planning to self-publish the Doll Project book this spring, but felt like I needed to say this here first. I want people to know that recovery is possible, and that there are Black folks who have had eating disorders. We aren't unicorns.

I want to end this post with a quote from an excellent article. And also, there's a great video from Black Folk Don't that I think you should see.

"As women of color, we often have two conflicts: trying to hold on to the traditions and expectations of our distinct cultures while trying to fit in with mainstream society, especially if the United States is not the country we were born in. When it comes to eating disorders, conflicting cultural standards for beauty and acceptance are the culprits. Your culture of origin may hold one set of standards for beauty; but when you are met with another set of standards altogether, this can complicate your personal experiences with trying to be a woman, a youth, as well as a person of color. You may have been fine with your full-figured body, which may be mostly desired in your culture. However, in mainstream society, you may find that being thin is better, while being curvy is bad. In an attempt to fit in more with mainstream society, you may consider changing your body shape by vomiting after every meal, over exercising, or even starving yourself, putting yourself into the misunderstood and often deadly world of eating disorders. You may be aware that what you are doing is not only unhealthy and is going against your cultural values, but you are conflicted because you want to 'fit in.'”

from Breaking it Down: Eating Disorders and Young Women of Color



Black Folk Don't: Have Eating Disorders from NBPC on Vimeo.


related links:
Black girls have body issues too by Lola Adesioye
It’s Not Just White Girls by Jessica Bennett

Annus Mirabilis: A Retrospective of 2013

If there is one word I can use to describe 2013, it would be "dramatic." It's a fitting "third act" for the sequel to my first art book, Post-Consumerism. That's right, I didn't mention that I'm working on another book. This one is picking up where I left off, in the fall of 2010. It will catalog all the paintings I've done since then until now, and will chronicle the events in my life that inspired my work. And with 2013 being so eventful, my book will definitely have a very interesting and happy ending.

January

I started the year off completely immersed in a project. But it wasn't a visual art project. It was writing. I wrote a screenplay and then adapted it into a novel, returning to a story that I had abandoned long ago. And I used my desk at my studio as a writing space.

I also decided to try something new at my studio and serve fresh popcorn.

February

The third annual Fall in Love With Art event was a lot of fun. People came and devoured the mini cupcakes.

March

March was a great month for Post-Consumerism. I had a solo show at the main branch of the Chicago Public Library, the Harold Washington Library on State Street.

I also had the honor of teaching some kids at the Chicago Children's Museum how to make art out of cardboard.

Remember Iris?

April

In April I finally finished a piece I'd been tinkering with since 2012, Chromatic Quilt.

May

In May, I saw a great show at the MCA that really inspired me, Destroy the Picture.

Perhaps that was what inspired me to finish another piece I'd set aside for a while, a mini painting entitled Constellation.

Building upon the visual style and technique of Constellation, I created two new paint skin assemblages, Art Store and Art Supplies, companion pieces to Imperfect Things.

June

June was a very busy month for me because in addition to NeoCon, which I attend every year, I also had two art shows at The Double Door. And I was one of the featured artists during the grand opening of Gallery Bar.

NeoCon

The RAW show at The Double Door

The Doll Project at the Gynaeceum show at The Double Door

Gallery Bar

I finally finished Color Cornucopia.

It was also the month I decided to start showing classic TV shows about art at my studio.

July

In July, I went to the AFRICOBRA show at the Logan Center at my alma mater, University of Chicago. It was an amazing show.

I also had the opportunity to return to the Merchandise Mart for some clients who wanted their dining room to have a stunning finishing touch.

August

In August, I completed two commissioned works: Violet Unfolding and Journey to You.

I saw the next installment of AFRICOBRA at the DuSable Museum of African-American history.

I also  celebrated my third anniversary in the Fine Arts Building with a delicious chocolate raspberry cake at my August open studio.

September

In September I was too busy studying for Jeopardy! to get much else done, though I did make it to the Renegade Craft Fair and the Expo Chicago show at Navy Pier.

October

As soon as I got back from taping Jeopardy! in California, I had the opening reception for The Doll Project at the Adler School of Professional Psychology.

I spent much of October checking out work by other artists because it was Chicago Artists Month.

November

Having exhausted myself in October, I came down with pneumonia at the end of the month and had to take things easy for the first few weeks of November. But I did manage to go the the SOFA show at Navy Pier.

I also made a lot of Christmas ornaments.

December

December was a very exciting month. First, I got a chance to be featured in the Chicago Reader.

Since the end of September, I had felt like December would never come. Once it arrived, the wait was finally over and I could finally tell everyone about Jeopardy!

For those of you who missed it, here's a video of me playing my first game on YouTube:



And here is a post-game interview:

I also did one last painting for the year, Exotic Matter.

So after worrying that I wouldn't make any money, defaulting on my private student loans, having my car die on me twice (both times with the same painting in the back seat), and catching pneumonia, getting some publicity from the Chicago Reader and Jeopardy! made this year turn out so much better than I expected. While studying for Jeopardy! I decided to brush up on my Latin. (Sadly, I didn't get that category.) I came across a phrase I had forgotten, "annus mirabilis," which means "year of miracles." And that's what 2013 has turned out to be. I look forward to seeing what 2014 will bring. Happy New Year to all of you and thanks for reading my blog!

Classic TV Shows about Art: Halloween Edition

By now, you may be familiar with the Art Shows I've been screening during my open studios. Since Halloween is this month, I've decided to show some of the scarier ones.


Naked City
"Portrait of a Painter," 1962
In this psychological thriller episode of my favorite film noir police procedural, a painter awakens to discover his wife has been murdered in his studio. Also, there's an added bonus: the painter is played by William Shatner. There are eight million stories in the naked city, and I am not going to spoil the end of this one for you.


The Addams Family

"Morticia, the Sculptress," 1965

Morticia takes up sculpture as a way to end her boredom. But will anyone buy her abstract monstrosities?

And finally, I am showing part of Ghostbusters II because its central conflict is between an evil painting and a good statue.

Last year, I read a study which claimed that fear makes abstract art "more engaging." This year, I will put that theory to the test.

My RAW:Chicago Video Interview

Here's a video interview I did as part of the RAW:Chicago show back in June.

Classic TV Shows about Art

 

One of the latest additions to my studio has been my TV/DVD player. In addition to using it as a monitor, I'm also using it to show different videos that relate to the themes of my art on it during open studios. This month and next month I will be showing classic TV shows for the first time. All of the shows will have one thing in common: an art-driven plot.
While not as common as the clip show or the bottle episode, programs that feature a character trying to become an artist or purchasing a work of art are common enough that I have been able to amass a small collection. Here are some of the ones I'm broadcasting:

 

Naked City

"The Hot Minerva," 1961

Two sophisticated thieves scheme to steal an ancient Greek statue from a museum whose very devoted curator would do anything to save it.

The Dick Van Dyke Show
"October Eve," 1964

Laura Petrie is scandalized when a painting that she posed for goes on display at a popular New York art gallery. Though she had posed fully clothed, the artist painted her head on a nude body.


 

McHale's Navy

"Piazza Binghamtoni," 1965

During his time in an occupied Italian town during World War II, mischievous McHale schemes to have a statue made in honor of his superior, Captain Binghamton, in order to get his friend Ensign Parker out of the brig.

The Dick Van Dyke Show

"Draw Me a Pear," 1965

Rob and Laura Petrie take an art class together. When Rob is offered private lessons at the beautiful instructor's home studio in Greenwich Village, Laura gets very jealous.

Honey West
"Pop Goes the Easel," 1966
Glamourous detective Honey West takes the case of a pop artist whose soup can art has been stolen.

The Monkees

"Art for Monkees' Sake," 1967

Crooked museum guards want to take advantage of bass player/artist Peter's painting skills by having him forge a famous painting.

Sanford and Son
"Tower Power," 1974
When he sees some assemblage art made of scrap metal during a museum tour with his son Lamont, Los Angeles rummage store proprietor Fred Sanford is so inspired that he makes a tower from the junk he's supposed to be selling.

Good Times
"The Art Contest," 1979
Emerging Chicago artist J.J. Evans hopes to win a local art contest so that he will get more students to sign up for the private art lessons he teaches. When his student's painting is mistakenly entered into the contest under J.J.'s name, he is faced with an ethical dilemma.

Taxi

"Art Work," 1980

Cab driver/gallerina Elaine Nardo tries to help her fellow drivers earn extra money by investing in the work of a dying artist when it comes up for auction.

The Simpsons
"Mom and Pop Art," 1998
Nuclear power plant worker Homer Simpson's failed attempt at a weekend home improvement project is hailed as exciting new outsider art by a local gallery. Has he found his true calling in life?

I will also show some art-related clips from an assortment of shows and movies. I've got Punky Brewster painting her bedroom (so bright her adoptive father has to put on sunglasses when he sees it), Lieutenant Columbo trying to understand the contemporary art of the late 1970's, Detective David Addison making some accidental sculptures during one of the crazy car chases Moonlighting was known for, Ferris Bueller and his friends stopping by the Art Institute on their day off, a teen artist named Craig overcoming his perfectionism and learning to follow his muse in It's Kind of a Funny Story, Agent J making a stunning discovery about Andy Warhol when he goes back in time in Men In Black 3, and scenes from biopics about Frida Kahlo, Basquiat, and Van Gogh.

And what would television be without commercials? Every commercial break is going to feature commercials for my art. Are there any other TV show episodes worth including? Feel free to let me know in the comments.