I wish that the pandemic had actually ended when most people pretended it did. Maybe then I would be happy. This anniversary post is over a week overdue. In the time it's taken me to collect my thoughts, I've seen many reminisce. I've seen many posts asking what everyone remembers about the beginning of the pandemic.
How could I forget the anniversary of the time I stopped celebrating my birthday? How could I forget why? I miss being able to just go to a restaurant with my family and friends and celebrate there. I used to tell myself that I would wait until the summer so I could go to a restaurant with outdoor dining, but by the time it gets warm enough, I've given up. Planning a trip for my birthday feels like too much work and I can't afford to travel the way I'd like because my art practice costs me most of my extra money.
I'm sure my KF94s remind people of something they would rather forget. I hate the way some people look at me because I'm wearing something they don't like. Most don't say anything, but on the rare occasions when they do, it's always "Why are you still wearing a mask?" but never "how many times have you had COVID?" which, as far as I know, is zero.
I'm tired of needing to wear masks. I'm tired of missing out on things. I'm tired of eating my lunch in the snow. I'm tired of living in a world where breakthrough and repeat COVID infections have been normalized and minimized. I'm tired of living in a world without COVID vaccines that provide sterilizing immunity. I'm tired of living in a country run by a monster who let a million people die of COVID. I'm tired of feeling like we will never get out of this. I'm tired of living like this.
Yes, I am grateful for the lessons that I learned the first few years of the pandemic, but I see no more silver linings in that eternal cloud now. Every year my disappointment grows. I wonder if I will ever stop grieving everything that was lost.
There are constant reminders of all the ways that we were failed. Of course I know that we can never go back to normal, but I had hoped we could build something better In 2020 and 2021, workers were getting more rights, but that movement was put down quickly. From accusing workers who sought work-life balance of "quiet quitting," to forcing everyone back into their workplaces. In my determination to survive out of spite, I had hoped that I would at least have an advantage over everyone else who was careless. In less compassionate moments, I envisioned a future where I could take advantage of the situation and get better opportunities than everyone who had been making fun of me for still taking precautions when they ultimately succumbed to the long-term effects of repeat infections. But now the job market is terrible, the regime has pushed hundreds of thousands of Black women out of work, and the public seems content to outsource creativity to generative AI. The deeper we get into this decade, the more it seems like we really are in a malevolent simulation, or in hell.
During the war on terror, they monetized fear, but after a year of pandemic restrictions, they monetized complacency. Our current way of living is a testament to how well media manipulation can work. After a season of forced forgetting, of trying to keep us from remembering the dead bodies in refrigerator trucks and why the virus is so dangerous in the first place, I see the connection between denial and Trump getting back in office. If Biden and Harris hadn't insisted on "vax and relax" policies and pretending the pandemic was over as their pollsters and consultants suggested, maybe Trump wouldn't be in the White House right now. The death toll under his (mis)leadership should have been enough of a reason to render him ineligible to run again. Better still, another reason to punish him.
And since they love revisionist history, the regime replaced the government's COVID website with one touting the lab leak theory last April. They always take the worst impulses of previous administrations and amplify them to colossal extremes. This is what happens when you force everyone to move on from a problem that never really went away.
Because of the way things are, I am still forced to rely on social media much more than I would like. Now, thanks to Elon Musk ruining Twitter, social media has split into factions like the dystopian society in Divergent. On both Threads and Bluesky, I still interact with accounts run by people and organizations that are also taking precautions against COVID. Some, in their frustration, most likely driven by their knowledge of the many long-term health problems that COVID can cause, have taken to popping up in the comment sections of strangers to lecture about heart disease, strokes, brain damage, and the possibility that an infection could cause people to lose empathy. Having grown up in a denomination that is well-known for being strict, sanctimonious, and judgmental, I often feel self-conscious about coming across as too preachy. So while I acknowledge that COVID does cause numerous health problems, I don't feel right about lecturing random strangers on the internet whenever they post about their ailments. But those whose accounts are devoted to raising awareness make a really good point, even if their approach is heavy-handed. I have seen the long-term effects on people I know who have had multiple infections. I haven't seen anyone lose their empathy, but I have seen people keep losing their keys. Some of the people I care about who were infected more than once are now having health issues that they didn't have before. I don't know how much is due to aging, and how much is because of the virus. And yes, children do get sick a lot from other kids at school, but this frequently? Were these illnesses inevitable or exacerbated? I don't know what to say anymore. I tried to warn them, but I feel like nobody listens to me.
The one thing that was giving me hope in this situation seems even more difficult to attain. Yes, there are still scientists developing nasal vaccines for COVID that prevent transmission and offer sterilizing immunity, but since RFK Jr. and DOGE have cut funding for all kinds of important medical research, I don't know how much longer it's going to take before they're available. And thanks to RFK Jr.'s anti-vax obsession, I don't know if I will be able to get one at all. I have thought about becoming a medical tourist if another country develops it first, but can't help but wonder how hard it will be to travel freely in the near future.
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